On Conversational Balance

Are you someone who always has a lot to say? Or do you prefer to sit back a little and encourage others to contribute to the conversation?

I have been paying a lot of attention to the flows in conversations that I have observed or participated in recently. With no empirical basis for the following statement, I feel that tendencies to either talk a lot or be a little reticent have become stronger and more noticeable.

Being someone who doesn't talk a lot, except in specific environments, I have become increasingly perplexed and disappointed by the lack of balance in some conversations.

When people who naturally talk a lot have the opportunity, they seem satisfied with the conversational outcome. They have shared some pretty important stuff and made a difference to the world— possibly all true. But I have left some meetings recently knowing a lot about the other person but wondering how much the other person might know about me - having not had the chance to engage. Being someone who is curious about others and their thoughts, experience and opinions, I estimated in one conversation, I had about five per cent of a conversation and patiently listened to the rest of it (or gave up and started pondering this article).

When these sharing people have not had the opportunity to speak, they seem easily bored. The pressure for verbal expression wells up inside them, needing to find release at the next opportunity.

When those a little less forthcoming are not allowed to be a part of a balanced flow of a conversation, they can leave feeling unheard and, by being talked over constantly, feel they don't matter.

But I have been amazed at the strange and wondrous things that more reticent speakers will share. They reveal ideas and information about themselves and their view of the world that can be, well... revelatory.

Now, this is just the point of view of someone who has always valued coaching others to bring out their best. But not finding that wonderful balance of curiosity and compassion flowing between each person in dialogue is disheartening.

Maybe you think that the quiet ones should just step up and force their point of view. You might be right.

But I have been reading a lot lately about how we all need to be more confident, speak up, and be heard. But it has made me wonder if it isn't time to shift the onus. Perhaps we could stop expecting people to muscle their way into discussions and actively invite them.