Conversational Flows

Are you someone who always has a lot to say? Or do you prefer to sit back a little and encourage others to contribute to the conversation?

Lately, I've been paying a lot of attention to how conversations flow, whether I'm observing or participating. And without the slightest shred of verifiable data, it seems to me that the tendencies to either dominate the conversation or to be more reserved have become more pronounced.

As someone who doesn't speak much except in certain environments, I've found myself increasingly perplexed and disappointed by the lack of balance in some conversations.

People who naturally talk a lot often leave conversations feeling satisfied. They've shared important stuff and feel they've made a difference—maybe they have. But I've left some meetings recently knowing a lot about the other person and wondering how much they know about me, having had little chance to engage. In one conversation, I estimated I spoke about five per cent of the time, patiently listening to the rest—or zoning out and pondering this article.

Those who love to talk seem easily bored when they don't get the chance. The pressure to express themselves builds up, and they need an outlet at the next opportunity.

On the other hand, quieter folks often feel unheard and insignificant when they can't participate in a balanced conversation. Being talked over constantly can leave them feeling like they don't matter.

However, when more reticent speakers share, they can reveal the most surprising and wonderful ideas and insights. Their contributions can be revelatory.

This is just the perspective of someone who values coaching others to bring out their best. It's disheartening not to find that wonderful balance of curiosity and compassion flowing equally in a conversation.

You might think the quiet ones should simply step up and assert themselves. Maybe you're right.

But I've been reading a lot lately about the need for everyone to be more confident and outspoken. It makes me wonder if it's time to shift the focus. Perhaps instead of expecting people to fight for a chance to speak, we should actively invite them to share.